Over the past six months, one of the most profound things God has done in our marriage has been to resolve lingering hurts once and for all.  Steph and I have learned a powerful process that allows that to happen and I want to share it with you.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her

Ephesians 5:25

The process to resolve wounds we have caused our spouse is really simple yet it’s easy to let our emotions derail the healing process.  By skipping some important steps during an argument or discussion, we miss a huge opportunity to close the door forever to those painful areas of the heart.  The end result is that the pain keeps resurfacing and comes out during otherwise minor issues.  Neither side understands what is happening and the absence of resolution causes the hurt to get bigger and bigger.

I believe the key to closing these doors is to clearly acknowledge the pain you have caused.  The faster you do it, the faster they can let go of it.  It does not matter what the pain is over.  It does not matter if they misunderstood you and took your actions the wrong way.  What matters is that something you did hurt them and they need to heal from it.  If your heart is in the right place, you will see the hurt for what it is and realize that you alone have the power to heal it.

Now, our natural instinct is to defend ourselves.  Don’t do it.  If you acknowledge the pain and then follow it with “but I (fill in your justification here)…”  you end up nullifying the acknowledgement and are back at zero which leaves the wound open.  The issue may go away for a while, but the hurt is still there and when you least expect it, your hearing about it again.  I can tell you first hand that the peace I get from resolving the pain in her life is much sweeter than the pride I get from defending myself.  To be honest with you, more often than not, I knew she was right but I was too stubborn to admit it.  I felt that mixing in some justification was a compromise and it helped me keep some honor, but in reality I was trashing her feelings for the sake of my pride.  My lack of humility was grieving God and prolonging the suffering of my wife.

If you will go through this process each time a hurt is exposed, you will find that root issues will come to the surface too.  Hurts she did not even understand will now be crystal clear to her.  Acknowledge your part in the root pain and watch it vanish forever.  If it’s a really deep wound it may come up again, but if your willing to keep acknowledging your part in it, God will heal it forever.

Another key ingredient is true repentance.  You have to mean what you are saying and you have to stop doing the thing that caused her the pain to begin with.  When she sees this happening it allows that scab to heal over.  The whole ordeal may leave a scar, but that’s a lot better than a sore that never heals.  Scars eventually fade away and most of the pain endured to get the scar is forgotten.  The closeness and trust that she gains in you is well worth the mark that will fade over time.

This process is not just for you to follow with your spouse.  You can apply it to your children, parents, friends and family, co-workers.  Anyone in your life which you experience conflict with.

Once you begin to practice this process properly you will see your relationship change.  Arguments will be over much sooner.  They will happen far less often.  After a while you will realize that the issues that used to come up often no longer come up at all.  You will look back and see how much closer God has brought you to her.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2

If you desire to be a better husband and have a more intimate relationship with your wife, I highly recommend the book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  You basically go through one devotion a week with your wife and the content you cover is awesome.  It helps you understand how God uses marriage to expand our souls and make us holy.  It helps you grow closer to Him as well as closer to her.  If you are not doing a regular devotion with your wife, you need to be and this weekly devotion is a great one to get started with.  If you are already doing devotions with your spouse, this devotion will bring a fresh perspective on how God can mature you through your marriage.  I recommend it highly.